Nike Unveils Latest Hideosity

Champaign, Il-

Nike's latest hideosity was unveiled this morning at a press conference held at the University of Illinois' Foreman Auditorium. The new jersey, which will be worn by all of the Fighting Illini sports teams, features several untraditional elements. Les Atkinson, Nike's Vice President of customer service claims the new design has "revitalized what was previously a stale and stagnant clothing line." To this end, Atkinson said his company "seamlessly if not imperceptably incorporated 27 of our trademark swooshes so that opponents will know that your teams wear only the highest quality materials." Nike's design also replaces the numbering system used in several sports to identify players with the retail price of the jersey. According to Atkinson, alternate jerseys will be employed throughout the season to indicate any sales or fluctuations in price.

-K-Funk, 3/4/7

Oglala Sioux Tribe Demands Return of Gift, Reinforces Sterotype of Indian Givers

Champaign, Il-

The Oglala Sioux have demanded the return of a ritual headdress provided to the University of Illinois in 1982 by Sioux Chief Frank Fools Crow. Unaware of the irony implicit in his statement, a spokesman for the tribe was quoted as saying that "The only way to end the perpetuation of Native-American stereoptypes is for us to insist that the headdress be returned to us as soon as possible."

-K-Funk 1/25/7

Barack Obama to Prove Blackness by Competing in NBA Slam Dunk Competition

Barack Obama to Prove Blackness by Competing in NBA Slam Dunk Competition. "White men can't jump, but I can" says the junior Senator from Illinois.

Metropolis, Il-

In a surprise move, presidential candidate Barack Obama has announced that he will compete as an honorary guest in the upcoming NBA All Star game slam dunk competition. The contest, to be held Feb. 15th in Las Vegas will "determine which Democratic challenger is a slam dunk," according to Obama spokesman Rob McNamara. While posing for dramatic effect in front of a statue of Superman, Obama announced both his intention to compete as well as offering an open challenge to any other Democratic candidate that thinks they can out slam him. Obama boasted that he can "Leap over small white people in a single bound while wearing a suit and wing tips," adding, "that means you Hillary." Obama also provided tantalizing evidence that he has invented a new type of slam that he calls simply "the O-Bomb" that he will unveil at the competition. "No one will ever say I am not black again," Obama continued, "White men can't jump, but I can."

Asked for comment, Senator Clinton countered Obama's slam dunk challenge with by challenging him to compete against her at the NBA Three-Point Competition to be held the same day. According to Senator Clinton,"Three is better than two. Any tall person can slam, let's see if he can shoot." Senator Obama has responded by saying "Three-pointers are for sissies. I'd like to see her try to guard me."

-K-Funk 3/2/7

Caron Butler Mistakenly Named Asian-American Athlete of the Year

Caron Butler Mistakenly Named Asian-American Athlete of the Year.

Washington DC-

The Asian-American Athletic Association (AAAA) has named the Washington Wizard's Caron Butler as 2007's "Asian-American Athlete of the Year." However, Mr. Butler has refused to accept the award, citing the fact that he is not Asian. Butler's agent, Lou Ross had this comment: " We are deeply honored that the AAAA chose Caron for such a prestigious honor. However, I would like to point out that he's a black man."

Unperturbed, AAAA director Michael Chen refused to alter his choice of recipients. "We can tell when somebody is Asian, we think Caron is in denial and that saddens us. There is nothing shameful in being an Asian man, the sooner Mr. Butler recognizes this the sooner we can all move forward." Mr. Chen added, "We know he is not Yao Ming Asian, but we are sure he is Tiger Woods Asian, you know?' The only comment Mr. Butler has offered so far is the cryptic statement that "I thought Asian people were supposed to be smart." Strangely, Mr. Chen takes no offense at this vaguely racist statement since "It is a pernicious stereotype that Asians are smart but unathletic. Unfortunately, even Asian men such as Mr. Butler suffer from this delusion. He needs to recognize that he is living proof that Asians can excel at the highest athletic levels."

K-Funk 2/3/7

Philadelphia's Arm Sock Industry Decimated By Iverson Trade.

Philadelphia's Arm Sock Industry Decimated By Iverson Trade.

Philadelphia, PA-

It wasn't long ago that Mitch Wright considered his life to be an old-fashioned American success story. He started with nothing but a Singer sewing machine and a dream. Yet, through hard work and determination, he established himself as the premier arm sock manufacturer in the country. Looking at a photograph of Mr. Wright taken a scant six months ago, it is hard to imagine the depths to which his life has fallen. Mary Joan, his wife of thirteen years has recently filed for a divorce, and his daughter Joanna has been forced to put her college education on hold for economic reasons. "Everything was going great. I had the whole package; wife, kid in college, big house, fancy cars and then [76ers GM]Billy King ships Iverson to Colorado for a bag of magical beans."

Unfortunately, the trade of former MVP Allen Iverson from the 76ers to the Denver Nuggets has reduced this once proud man to a shadow of his former self. His company, ARMWARMERCO filed for Bankruptcy protection on Tuesday effectively laying off its 300 employees. "Iverson personally kept me in business, I realize that now. A lot of people didn't realize how many arm socks that guy went through. He burned through four arm socks per quarter. Plus he made arm socks cool, all the local kids bought them just to be like their hero. But not anymore, after he left and Donovan McNabb refused to be our next spokesman I guess it was hopeless."

Mr. Wright is currently squatting in one of his old warehouses, long since seized by creditors. He spends his days peddling his glut of arm socks on the street, burning them for fuel at night in order to make it through the cold Philadelphia winter. "When the trade was announced, I thought about heading to Denver, but ultimately vowed to stay and fight until the very end. People told me to switch production to socks for feet, but I really thought we could make it, that regular people would recognize the vast usefulness of arm socks. But without Iverson's star power behind them they just didn't sell anymore." He waves his hands around at hundreds of boxes filled with unsold arm socks. "In order to make ends meet I just took a job making sweater vests. How sick is that?"

-K-Funk 2/3/7