Early Voting Ends in Chicago

photo: medill reports

While the early voting has ended, the heavily courted Chicago zombie and Eastside merperson voters have to wait until February 5th to lurch from their respective domains and cast their ballots. (insidian)

In order to vote, the black spy was forced to remove her mask and hat for identity purposes; the white spy snickered malevolently at the news. (moosyfate)

Wall Street Journal announces environment blog

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Dick Tracy arrested News Corp owner Rupert Murdoch today, mistaking him for Clayface, the notorious bank robber. To his lawyer's chagrin, Murdoch shouted at his arrest, "Robber 'baron!' It's robber 'baron,' foolish plebeian!" (moosyfate)

"All these environmental blogs are missing one thing," Murdoch told reporters, "and that's how the environment can be turned to profit. We had to fill that gap." The first blog post discussed the market value of natural beauty (low) versus full resource utilization (high). (insidian)

Buy Carrots Day promoted on Facebook

Ninemsn

Fivecolorblind joins a Facebook group, buys 50 lbs of carrots, eats them all in three days to fend off accusations of wasting food, and permanently dyes his skin orange, thus earning the nickname "Oompaloompa" from his friends. (moosyfate)

Bush delivers his last SOTU

New York Times

It took 8 years, but at last President Bush was able to smile at the warm reception to his aria "La donna e mobile" from Rigoletto. In the Democrats response to the performance, Gov. Sebelius strove to remind the public of his notorious 2004 English version, but the pundits all felt that his recitative this year was truly magnificent and a great political victory. (moosyfate)

Having spoken at length on his actions in prior years, and gone on to a surprisingly detailed description of a current plan that appears to involve some sort of "death ray," Bush stopped briefly, chuckled to himself saying, "But there I go monologuing again, giving you all the time you need to escape." (insidian)

Republicans announce earmark moratorium

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The RNC tried to set the mood for the debate on earmarks by holding the convention in the House of Leaves. (moosyfate)

After Bush's announcement of the moratorium, ambulances had to be summoned to tend to the House Representatives and Senators who had injured themselves laughing. At least one Republican Senator actually succeeded in busting a gut. (insidian)

McCain endorsed by the NYT editorial board

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Sen. McCain (R-AZ) does his impression of the Dramatic Chipmunk. (moosyfate)

Upon hearing the announcement, Mitt Romney pointed out that he had already been endorsed by numerous prestigious organizations. Mike Huckabee meanwhile immediately removed Chuck Norris's muzzle, pointed towards New York City and said "kill." (fivecolorblind)

McCain claims that he will be "strong to the finish, 'cause I eats me spinach," showing confidence in his ability to ride the momentum from South Carolina, and a strong affinity for leafy greens. The Spinach Lobby was pleased, but flummoxed. (insidian)

Rogue trader loses $7.1 billion

BBC

Jerome Kerviel loses his red stapler. (moosyfate)

The market fluctuated wildly as confused investors could not decide if a rogue was giving Frenchmen a bad name or if a Frenchman was giving rogues a bad name. (fivecolorblind)

Not to be outdone by a mere French rogue, a British rake responded by making off with 3 tonnes of bullion from the French treasury and also stole the heart of the treasurer's lovely daughter. (insidian)

Prodi's government collapses

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Italian Senator Stefano Cusumano acts out an obvious, obvious joke about this post's headline. (moosyfate)

An Italian Senator collapses in shock that an Italian government had such a short term in office. (Mrpetercollada)

The no confidence vote featured vile language, assault, the hospitalization of a legislator and drinking on the senate floor but was notable for a complete lack of firearms, nudity and livestock; all of which makes it the most civilized legislative discussion ever undertaken by the Italian senate. (fivecolorblind)

Dennis Kucinich Drops From Race

AP Photo

Following the announcement, Kucinich seemed to fumble in his pocket for something, mumbled the word "precious," then disappeared in front of the assembled press. An adopted cousin of Kucinich's could not be reached for comment. (insidian)

Kucinich's announcement was presented to a small audience consisting of the remnants of his advisory staff, his trophy wife, the photographer, and an old man with a goat that wandered into the hall. Kucinich promised the old man he would continue to fight for goat rights in Washington. (moosyfate)

(but really, how was I supposed to top that one?)

Override of Children's Health Insurance Veto Fails

The vote not to override was followed by a satellite feed of US Representatives heckling children with cancer and throwing stones at war widows. (insidian)
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Republican leadership maintained the viability of low-cost alternatives such as the healing power of prayer, Campbell's chicken noodle soup and dying quietly in a gutter. (fivecolorblind)

President Bush issued a statement celebrating his political victory, praising those Congressman who supported the veto as true patriots in the War on Babies. (moosyfate)

Support for the CHIPs program disappeared when Minority Leader Boehner discovered that the bill had no relation whatsover to the hit 70's show or the heartthrob Eric Estrada. (Mrpetercollada)

"I'm the law around here, Ms. Pelosi."

Gazans topple border wall

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After examining the images from Gaza, the US Dept. of Homeland Security decided not to invest in the products of Breakaway Borders, Inc. (moosyfate)

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Eye-witnesses on the scene report chants from Egypt of "Red Rover, Red Rover, send the Palestinians of the Gaza Strip right over." Reprisals from Israel will be prevented by the UN's protection of playground law, using whistles, time outs, and sternly worded warnings. (insidian)

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Israeli Prime Minister Olmert said that his government should have learned from the history of Berlin that a wall could never contain a people's spirit and that he therefore plans to replace the demolished barrier with a moat full of alligators or perhaps some sort of electrified dome. (fivecolorblind)

Reports of the reaction were mixed, as one Palestinian was heard exclaiming, "We're free, We're free....Oh shit, we're in the f---ing desert. Alright, I'm going home." (mrpetercollada)

Gaza Blockade Briefly Lifted

AFP/Getty

Under pressure from the UN, the United States, and several nations, Israel temporarily lifted the import restrictions on the Gaza Strip. Palestinians have already received shipments of fuel, cooking oil, and several oversized missile-shaped novelty cakes. (insidian)

DVDs of Britney on a stretcher are distributed to the Palestinian masses. Bread to come later. (moosyfate)

World Markets Swing Wildly

Getty Images

As the Fed announced a 0.75% drop in overnight interest rates and European markets rebounded from a deep 5% decline to a 1-3% gain, stock market gurus are forced to admit they have no idea what any of this information actually means to investors. "I pick stocks with a dart, and it's done me fine," Ben Bernake is quoted as saying. He then added, "I'm just following the playbook," patting a large, red book called Effing with Economies for Teh Lulz by A. Greenspan. (insidian)

Trader lets one in New York, markets collapse in Asia, chaos theorists smugly approve. (moosyfate)

Trader society is dominated by a rigid numerical hierarchy, so that when number 94 vents his frustration by telling number 580 to smell his own butt, 580 has no choice but to comply. (fivecolorblind)

Blagojevich derails public transit bill

AP Photo

Gov. Rod Blagojevich (D-IL) announcing free train rides for seniors, free leftover campaign buttons for the population of Oak Park, free dried out Christmas trees for the homeless, free trout for the deceased, and free personally-delivered boots in the teeth for anyone in the Chicago area that was dumb enough to reelect him. (moosyfate)

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Area public transportation activists planned to protest the governor's decision, but were stymied when their transfers expired halfway to Springfield. (fivecolorblind)

Russian candidate under investigation

AFP

Mikhail Kasyanov, presidential candidate and newly subject to criminal investigations of forgery, holding the suspect petition that he establish the next Russian cult of personality. (moosyfate)

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Kasyanov argued that the investigation into his list of signatures was an abuse of government power and that his detractors had no reason to cast aspersions on his claim that he had been endorsed by personages such as Yuri Nassole, Ivana Tinkle and the Abominable Snowman. (fivecolorblind)

World stocks fall in poor US data

New York Times

Stocks plummet as a large black disc is seen over several major European and Asian cities. Analysts predict further drops when Clifford rampages through the cities to catch the "frisbee." (moosyfate)

It was inevitable that when Kool & the Gang began blaring on trading room floors, the markets would have no choice but to "Get down, get down." A variety of aging hip-hop artists have been summoned to convince the traders that they've "Gotta get up to get down," but the situation is still fluid.

South Carolina Republican primary

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In an unexpected turn of events, South Carolinians throw their support behind the candidate with opposable thumbs. (moosyfate)

Even the more socially liberal of McCain's supporters were surprised with his incredibly enthusiastic review of "Two Girls, One Cup." (PeterCollada)

Kenyan Elections

Kenyan opposition leader Raila Odinga was prevented from sitting in the section of parliament reserved for the ruling government so as to ensure that he could not infect his political rivals with the dreaded zombie disease currently sweeping through Britain. (fivecolorblind)

Kenyan opposition leader Raila Odinga's reaction after his "Turn that frown upside-down!" campaign fails to resonate with the public. (moosyfate)

Heathrow Crash

British authorities are thrown into confusion when the black box reveals that Captain Peter Burkill is actually an inflatable doll. (moosyfate)

And just like that, "Boeing" became an onomatopoeia. (fivecolorblind)

Kerry endorses Obama

Hillary still doesn't have what it takes to please a man. (fivecolorblind)

Campaigning in Massachusetts. (moosyfate)



(I think we all apologize for this post.)

Nano unveiled

Tata Motor's new Nano models will retail at $2,500, AA batteries not included. (fivecolorblind)

The Nano is already plagued by royalty claims from clown groups on the classic "how many clowns..." joke. (moosyfate)

Targe CEO retires

Target CEO Robert Ulrich to retire; Mr. Ulrich is expected to take a job as a greeter at the local Wal-mart to fill the empty hours. (fivecolorblind)

Ulrich was pushed from office after approving a line of commemorative Benazir Bhutto dolls with the Target logo on her chest. (moosyfate)

Clinton wins in NH

Nation braces as Clinton's edging of Obama by 2% foreshadows a 17% increase in the publication of her awkwardly photographed facial expressions. (fivecolorblind)

A screenshot from Sen. Clinton's video reponse to 2girls1cup. (moosyfate)

Navy confrontation with Iranian speedboats

While political leaders bicker as to whether this picture represents genuine provocation, squinty-eyed Maria Valle of Abilene, Texas unconditionally accepts the watery image as a genuine representation of the likeness of Our Lady of Guadalupe. (fivecolorblind)

The Iranian Republican Guard has issued a statement that the footage was faked. The US retaliated with the claim that Ahmedinijad's visit to New York in 2007 was an elaborate Iranian hoax. (moosyfate)

Aftermath of the Iowa primary

Mitt Romney, former Gov. of Massachusetts: I did love thee once.
Mike Huckabee, former Gov. of Arkansas: Indeed, my lord, you made me believe so.
Romney: You should not have believed me; for virtue cannot so inoculate our old stock but we shall relish of it: I loved you not.
Huckabee: I was the more deceived.
Romney: Get thee to a nunnery! (moosyfate)

The eternal Republican dilemma: Nixon jowls versus Reagan hair. (fivecolorblind)

US unemployment increases

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke later apologized for accidentally releasing an Etch-a-Sketch drawing as the official unemployment graph, adding "I was just trying to draw some boobs." (moosyfate)

Unemployed graphic designers around the country spent their mornings fuming over the fact that they could have made a much better looking graph in no time flat and would never have resorted to something as blase as Arial font. (fivecolorblind)

Kucinich loses big in Iowa

With Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) cut from the New Hampshire debates, Fred Thompson is expected to lock up the critical demographic of 18-35-year-old heterosexual males who vote with their penises. (fivecolorblind)

Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D - OH) making a last ditch publicity stunt by inaugurating a new crosswalk light in Des Moines. (moosyfate)

Robert Frost's home vandalized

Underage revelers successfully purge historic home of its "old poet" smell. (fivecolorblind)

The teenage culprits wrote their own confessions, formatted in iambic pentameter. (moosyfate)

Malaysian sex scandal

In his final official act, departing Malaysian Minister of Health urged government workers to engage in safe sex, which his office defines as the wearing of condoms, dark sunglasses and either fake wigs or beards when they cheat on their wives. (fivecolorblind)

The minister retracted his apology, claiming that the film was actually an educational video supporting his pro-free condom policy. (moosyfate)